Life is like a baked alaska

The baked alaska has always puzzled me. I have always wondered how it is possible for the arctic to meet the equatorial in complete harmony without utter disaster. I sometimes wonder if us parents are living much like a baked alaska, in a hot pressure cooker environment, expectant by others to succeed in everything, anticipated to be all things to all people, mother, father, cook, councellor, referee, pot washer, nurse, plumber, handyman, taxi, maid, waiter, receptionist, personal shopper, bread winner, dog walker ..... the list continues. We have no time off, we work 24/7, we do night shifts and dont get paid for it!! So this can leave us feeling the arctic coldness inside, that feeling of lost identity, no time for ourselves and our hobbies, we burn ourselves out and as such the baked alaska fails and the middle begins to melt.

So I wondered how do we make the baked alaska feeling, a harmonious affair? How do we actually pull it off being all things to all people? Well my answer is simple, dont cook it too long, make sure you are covered in all areas, give yourself adequate time and allow yourself time to cool down! Is this possible? Well from my experience im not entirely convinced, maybe im just old fashioned for my young(ish) years and believe that children should come first and that once the responsibility has been placed upon you as a parent, your life must take a back seat .... I can hear the gasp of disapproval, but hear me out. I was bought up in a very traditional family, I was one of the lucky ones, I had a mum and dad who were together as man and wife throughout, and still to this day, of my very exsistance. Our family worked because my mum stayed at home and did the children thing and my dad went off to work (and boy does he work)!! Because of what I have experienced as a child has taught me that the old fashioned way of bringing up a family is actually the most effective as there is always a family member with the child and not a child minder or nursery while the mother and father both work. As a child, my mum worked every profession, there wasnt and still isnt anything she couldnt do, she would turn her hand at anything, have the patience of a saint and a heart big enough to love a small continient. She would drag herself out of her sick bed to make sure we were happy, always putting us first and herself bottom of the pile. I will add at this point that I have 2 younger sisters and a younger brother all of us within 18 months of the other, my mum is the absolute definition of the worlds best mum!! So we ran about, screamed, shouted, laughed and fought and as we got older we bitched, hair pulled and stole each others clothes and yet our mother never changed, she would toil and endeavour from day to day effortlessly, serving to our every needs and looking after my dad's needs in the evenings too. From ironing at twelve at night to welcoming all the village kids into our home, she never stopped, and we never stopped to realise that our mum, the lady who never moaned, always had time for everyone and would give her last breath for her children was indeed actually a person. A person with desires, feelings and pride. A person prepared to sacrifice everything that she would ever want or like to do for the love of her children. So although I believe that a family does work with the more traditional arrangement, is this really a good basis for the perfect baked alaska? Answer. Probably not.

I have a friend who would do nothing else but work, not directly for her children, but indirectly. She is less maternal than my own mother, but a good mother all the same. She is a firm believer that if we give our children everything and allow them every opportunity then they will succeed. So she works all hours, while her 2 small children are in nursery and when she gets home, she puts them to bed and begins the housework. Her children are happy, or so she thinks, but still feels guilt ridden with the lack of balance. She loves her job and the money it brings, but she loves her children too. How do you make a compromise to do the right thing for everybody? Our society is so quick to judge our situation, you can almost hear the whispers of dissaproval from bystanders, all in their very own situation but so evidently unaware they are spitting cruel venom.

Then there is Elaine, she is from an under priviledged family setting, living in council accomodation with her partner since her school days. She has three children, 2, 5 and 7. As you see her walking down the street pushing a buggy with her children following behind, dressed in less than fashionable clothes, with her hair scraped back in a ponytail (the croydan facelift I believe they call it), and numerous rings and tattoos covering her skin, you would most probably begin to create a picture of this lady that couldnt be more further from the truth. Elaine is a part time mother, her older two children attend school and the younger one a pre-school, during these times she works as a check out girl in a supermarket and a cleaner for a local school, once the children are at home, so is she, being a mum, taking them out, laughing, meeting with other mums and children and when her children are in bed after the family meal, she does some housework, but spreads it across her week. She wants and needs for nothing, she has happiness, some of her own free time and independance, time spent with her children and partner and a rare understanding with her children of respect and mutual acceptance. Is this the baked alaska of parenthood and life? Has Elaine got her life balanced without really trying too hard? Does she even realise that she is making her very own perfect baked alaska?

I am still baffled by the number of people, women usually, who pass judgement on other families and the way they run, but these people are more than likely suffering from an unbalanced life themselves, making them negatively respond to others in a desperate bid to soothe their own inperfections. We all have different priorities with different reasons for this, im certain that all parents have the children at the heart of the family, however they run the day to day business. Even if the arctic centre starts to melt, the children are held tight in the core centre, protected and safe and with decisions based on the good for them.

A perfect baked alaska will never work when made with all consuming selfishness, there has to be give and take (and that includes with your partner!!) But alongside that there must also be work, play and time for yourself. Dont be too hard on yourself, life takes twists and turns that we are blindly expected to travel and guide our family through and sometimes we slip off the path, sometimes families separate, are forced into strict budget or fall short of the extended families expectancy of us, but just remember that its only you and your family which will know what to do for the best and how to survive the rough and the smooth.